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It is thus very satisfying when the captive apes electrocute him. If not for the fact that he’s a relatively young dude who might have, at some point in his life, gone back to college and met that special someone who brought the best out of him, he’d certainly be the least redeemable human in this whole franchise a sadistic, towheaded creep who works for his morally bankrupt dad and brings his shitty friends to ape prison to show off the luster of middle-management animal cruelty. Dodge Landon (Tom Felton, ‘Rise of the Planet of the Apes’) (20th Century Fox)Ĭausing Death/Destruction/Being Sadistic: minus-2 Rogers would call "a real piece of garbage." 29. A violent authoritarian strongman in charge of a depressing concrete slab of post-dog-and-cats society in which ape slavery is the name of the game, Breck is irredeemable and boring and even says things like, "I knew that circus owner was lying!" with a straight face. Governor Breck is the main odious jerk of Conquest of the Planet of the Apes, which is set in "North America, 1991" after a space plague kills off all the cats and dogs on earth. Governor Breck (Don Murray, ‘Conquest of the Planet of the Apes’) (20th Century Fox)Ĭausing Death/Destruction/Being Sadistic: minus-3

In the case of any ties, my emotional judgments will be the determining factor. Whoever comes out with the most points shall resolutely be deemed the best human in the Planet of the Apes series.

Causing Death and/or Destruction, or Just Being Plain Sadistic: down to minus-3 pts.

Being Someone You’d Want to Get Dinner With: up to 4 pts.

Being Related to Alison Brie Through Marriage: 1 pt.

Multiple Appearances in the Apes Franchise: up to 2 pts.

Charisma/General Likability: up to 5 pts.

Each human from the first eight Planet of the Apes films will be rated using a scientific scoring system, and will be given points for the following: It’s not called Planet of the Apes and Their Boring Human Friends.īut in spite of our obvious preference for the simian side of the ledger, it’s crucial to differentiate bad humans from good humans, and the best humans from the good ones. And despite how alluring that last role sounds, these heroes (strangely, they have pretty much been only white men so far) are almost always replaced by the next film, because who cares.

Being a human in this franchise is a sucker’s game, with only a few roles to choose from: You can play a violent bigot who is against apes, a nonverbal jungle person, a helpful woman with a vague background in medicine, or a benevolent but boring hero who is slightly more sympathetic to primates than everyone else is. The apes are the heroes, and at the very least we’re passively rooting for the destruction of humanity. We want to watch the apes go righteously apeshit and chant things like "Ape shall not kill ape!" We want to watch chimpanzees ride horses, gorillas shoot assault rifles, and orangutans wax intellectual about the Forbidden Zone. Sure, it’s cool to be paid to participate in huge summer blockbusters and to be part of an iconic franchise (about apes with guns) that spans 50 years, but nobody’s in that theater for the humans.

Playing a human in a Planet of the Apes film is an unenviable task.